Netizens Told Me to Run Away with My Baby

I found out I was pregnant in the middle of a fight with my husband. How should I tell him without embarrassing myself too much?

I decided to ask the Internet, and the netizens gave me a ton of advice based on their years of experience reading novels.

One, run away with your unborn baby. Two, pretend to gag over lunch. Three, put his number into the abortion registration form…

When he came to me in a frenzy, I belatedly realized, ‘Crap, I think I went too far!’

Good news: I was pregnant.

Bad news: I was not on talking terms with the father.

How should I tell Shaun Lewis the news without embarrassing myself too much?

I put a picture of the positive pregnancy test online and asked the netizens. There were plenty of friendly people on the forum, and soon I had a thousand comments in my inbox.

[Send him the photo of the test and tell him the baby starved to death in your war of attrition]

[Tell him straight to his face: I am not alone! I have someone on my side!]

[Come back after five years with five genius babies]

[Tell him, “Come here and get on your knees. I have something to tell you.”]

…

Yep, they were really helpful. I sighed to myself as I watched the comments flood in. I knew I was right to believe in the inherent kindness of the Internet.

A few of the comments stood out among the barrage.

[Run away with the baby! I’ve been reading novels for an entire decade, so I have plenty of experience.]

[Go to a hospital and schedule an abortion, then put his number in the form.]

[When you’re out for lunch with him, pretend to gag and dash to the washroom.]

All of them were experienced readers, so I had faith in their advice.

After all the time I spent staring at my phone, though, Shaun still had not replied to my messages. The thought of his cold attitude pissed me off, so I blocked his number.

‘Shaun, you big idiot,’ I thought to myself. ‘Since you’re bad with words, you can keep doing your own thing. Don’t bother talking to me for now.’

After all, I had a surprise lying in wait for him.

The first step in my plan to run away from home was to choose a car I liked from the garage.

I immediately chose Shaun’s favorite black Bugatti. Yep, that was the one!

To suit the novel scenarios, I waited until the day Shaun was busiest with work before running away in his racecar.

As the wind whipped past my hair, I sighed in satisfaction. This was the life! Shaun could just go and love himself.

I drove all the way to my best friend Vicky Fern’s house. Lying on her couch, I told her my entire plan in detail.

Her reaction was to lean on my shoulder, laughing until her back was bent.

“Wait! What